What Everyone Wants to Know - Part II

The one and only family picture taken with the Spencer's

In my last post, I gave you the answer to most popular question I get asked about my book. http://ezraandhadassah.blogspot.com/2014/11/what-everyone-wants-to-know.html

That post stirred up feelings for some members of my adopted family. I understand their position and think that there is a need for more exploration on this topic. There are some universal themes that I think touch more than just our family's pain.

First of all, it does hurt to think of someone you loved as being portrayed as all bad, all the time. You have good memories of them. That is true. No one is 100% bad or 100% good all the time. Even my brother Rex, who I describe in my book as a highly spiritually sensitive person, managed to drive me crazy with his need to do good things for others because his good deeds always required my help. I just wanted to sit and read a book in peace and quiet. His zeal was exhausting. No one is 100% anything all the time.

I am sure if we interviewed the family and friends of Jeffery Dahmer or Charles Manson, we would find people who have fond memories of them. It is not wrong to claim those good times as positive. It is also not wrong to tell the truth, warts and all.

The underlying message of "but Harley and Virginia did good things for me" brought out one of the principle points of the book.  I tried for years to forgive them for the things they did to their children. I tried to think of the positive things they did for me. I even searched the patriarchal blessing I was given at 14 years old, looking for the reason God put me and my siblings in the Spencer's home. I decided there was one good thing that came from living with them. I became a Mormon because of them. And I stayed a Mormon in spite of them.

It sounds crazy, right? I was baptized into the Mormon faith when I was adopted because like all children, I didn't have a choice about what religion my parents chose. It was no different than all the other churches I was baptized into when I was in foster care.

As I got older and started paying attention to what was being taught at church about loving your family, I silently questioned  Harley and Virginia's ideas on child discipline and love. For years I listened to Harley's prophecies about the End of Times and what was going to happen to us kids if we didn't mend our wicked ways. I chose not to believe the things Harley swore to be true because they didn't pass my test of believability. I grew a thick skin about religious doctrine. That skill has proven to be very helpful in my adult spiritual life. As I hear people's ideas on heaven and hell, what God really wants from us and all other aspects of our religious lives, I use my inner "bullshit" (excuse my salty language. I can't think of better word for it)  meter to judge what is true for me and what is not. I do not concern myself with what others chose to believe or do to honor God. I respect every person's right to worship how they want. I  do object when a religious faith abuses others, especially women and children. I made my peace with God independent from Harley and Virginia and that saved me. Their version of the gospel was not healthy for me and it was good I learned that while I was still a teenager. It made me strong and helped me avoid the common pitfalls of youth that would have derailed my life.

Of course, I must give full credit to my brother for completing my religious education. Through his experiences with his Best Friend, I saw what having an active relationship with Christ could be. I am grateful for Rex's influence in my life and the spiritual clarity he gave me. I was so lucky to have him as my brother. And I am content to think that I was lucky to live with Harley and Virginia. They taught me a lot and I am a better person for having lived in their home. I don't accept crappy religious doctrine, I don't espouse anything beyond "Love One Another," and I don't expect God to make decisions for me that I am perfectly capable of making on my own. For all of that and more, I thank Harley, Virginia and the universe that decided they were the best teachers for the lessons I needed to learn.

I am blessed.