If you haven't read the book yet, you don't have a clue. If you have, you probably already did what lots of people have done and emailed me from this site, wanting to know the answer to your one and only question.
In case you haven't, I'm gonna help you out and answer your question now. Dang, the customer service on this blog site is simply stunning.
Ok ----Here goes:
The question is: What Happened to Harley and Virginia?
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| Taken for an anniversary, after Virginia had her stomach stapled to lose weight. Unfortunately, she gained a lot of it back. And yes, she's wearing a wig. |
The answer is: Nothing. If you were hoping for some kind of public thrashing for their behavior towards their children, that didn't happen. Nothing happened. All their kids grew up, moved out and that was that. Like I explained in the book, after I moved out on my 18th birthday, I never spent another night under their roof. They continued to move and change jobs every few years, so no one ever really got to know them. I was told stories over the years about how loved they were by their church congregations and how they gave inspirational talks about the importance of families. Knowing Harley and Virginia, I am sure they were amazing and brought audiences to tears.
Have you noticed how I am writing about them in the past tense? Yep. Past tense. Both of them died two years ago, less than 3 months apart. Harley went first. I didn't know about it for a couple of weeks because at the time he passed, my father-in-law also had died very suddenly. I was out of town with my husband's family, participating in my father-in-law's funeral services, and no one could contact me about Harley's death. I missed the whole thing. Luckily, my adopted sister Emelia went, intending to comfort Virginia and to attend Harley's funeral. Imagine Emelia's surprise when she shook the Bishop's hand at the church before the services and the Bishop had no idea who she was. He didn't know Harley and Virginia had any children besides one daughter (an older sister who moved her family to be near them) and her children. They attended the Bishop's congregation for a handful of years and he had no recollection of Harley or Virginia ever talking about having any other children. He visited them at their home and saw no photos or evidence of them having a large family including children and grandchildren.
When Emelia set him straight, his face turned ashen from the shock. He had no idea. What kind of people don't acknowledge their children and grandchildren? Especially in the Mormon faith, which is so super family- focused it is hard to remember anything else it is known for. I'm sure Harley's funeral service was the strangest meeting the Bishop ever officiated, considering no one else at his church knew the Spencer's were the parents of 11 or 15 children (depending on how many of their unofficially adopted children are counted. I can never keep it straight.)
When Virginia died 3 months later, Emelia didn't go and neither did anyone else besides their local relatives. Oh well. They say funerals aren't for the person who died, they are for the living left behind. We all took a vote and decided it wasn't worth it to go and either pretend we were a close family, or what - stand up and tell the whole congregation what messed up, miserable people Harley and Virginia were? Naaahhh. Not worth the time or trouble.
The only thing I can say for sure that I learned from finding out my parents denied their children's existence, is that I do look at older people differently now. When a sweet elderly man or woman tell me they have grown children and grandchildren who are selfish, neglectful people and never visit, I find myself taking pause. Maybe one selfish child, possibly. But if more than one child doesn't come home for holidays or have their children visit over summer vacation, something is up. It goes against nature to want nothing to do with parents, especially if grandchildren are involved.
I have seen my share of crazy, dysfunctional families who fight like cats and yet still manage to stay connected. It may be messy and stressful and hard, but family members do, deep in their hearts, want to stay together. I am blessed to have my biological parents, Ralph and Claudia Wade in my life and I know I am lucky to be able to share my husband, children and grandchild with them.
Too bad Harley and Virginia chose something else. They missed out on a whole lot of the sweetness of life.
4 comments:
I know I did not grow up in the circumstances that you did, but Harley and Virginia are my grandparents. I have heard my mother's stories from her childhood, and I have read your book...my grandparents did despicable things...but I have love for them...I believe the atonement is real, I believe we can have access to it even after this life...I don't know all in the ins and outs of God's plan, but I believe they (Harley and Virginia) have the ability to repent even now. I have a unique perspective in that I am a caseworker by profession and I work with people that hurt children on a daily basis...it is my job to set aside my judgments of them, believe in them, encourage them, motivate them and help them become better people. I know my grandparents hurt you in ways that no child should have to experience and I think writing and promoting your book may be a good way for you to talk about your childhood in a way you never thought you could...I just wanted you to know that it hurts me that they hurt you and my mother, but it also hurts me so see my grandparents in such a negative light all of time, which is why I felt the need to write today...I love my grandfather very much, and I have had several very spiritual experiences with him since his passing...I don't think he left this world the same man he was when he was in it...I'm not trying to convince you to feel differently, and I most definitely am not trying to downplay any of the horrible things you experienced...I don't want to be offensive to anyone that has experienced child abuse...I just wanted to express the feelings I had when I saw this picture of my grandparents today.
BRW- The one thing I learned over and over from my brother, Rex, is that I don't have to concern myself with anyone else's eternal salvation. His best friend, Jesus, is able to handle it so I don't have to.
I didn't write my book for my own healing. I wrote it to help children currently caught in a foster care system that is universally underfunded and lacking in the perspective of putting the needs of the child first. I am working to see that children in the foster care system are the ones who are encouraged, championed and protected. The children are the victims of adults who failed them, and they deserve the very best that our society can provide.
I acknowledge that is it painful to look at a photo of people who appear so normal and to accept that those same people did evil things to their children. It feels shocking, harsh and scary. It is also painful to accept that those same people had grandchildren, some of whom they knew and some they didn't.
I am glad you have good memories of your grandparents. Now that you are an adult, you can also appreciate that your grandparents were not perfect and did a lot of damage to the children in their charge. Use that knowledge to improve on the work your mother has done and to make the relationships with your future children a joy to behold. That is the best way you can honor the grandparents you love so deeply.
My mother gave me your book as a Christmas present. We both love reading, and I asked her what it was about. She just encouraged me to read it. Once I started, I couldn't put it down. I immediately searched you out and found your wonderful blog.
Firstly, I must say how brave you are to have dug so deep into past memories and emotions. I can't imagine how difficult that was to document such a painful part of your life. The anger and hurt I felt reading your book is absolutely nothing to what you must have felt and be feeling. They say a picture paints a thousand words - seeing an image of Virginia and Harley burned such a rage inside me that if I see her in the next life, I won't just be walking past.
Your inspiring book has taught me so much. It stuns me that the abuse you suffered went without action or proper notice and in the care of an 'LDS' member. You have alerted me to the fact that even an LDS member can be capable of such evil and I should be alert to those sitting in the pews around me.
I feel so humbled reading your experiences and how you are doing now. It would have been easy to turn your back on the LDS faith, to have looked for worldly relief and adopted a self pitying ethos. You clearly haven't done that. Instead, you are actively helping resolve the failings in a system that should be protecting the most innocent.
Thank you for taking the time to write your book, for opening my eyes and for showing that life can go on, no matter what. Thank you.
Becky,
Thank you for your comments. I am glad our family story meant so much to you. I agree, there are many lessons to be learned from this kind of situation. It is sad that it happened, but I am so grateful the negatives did not break me or my brother.
Thank G_d for the wonderful people who saved us.
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