Tender Feelings

Today was rough. I did a book talk today at a university and I tailored my speech specifically to my brother and his special needs. The audience was so quiet while I was reading a passage from the book that I looked up to check they were awake. They were. They also had tears in their eyes. Afterwards, several people told me they were going to buy the book but they weren't sure they would be able to get all the way through it. I told them I understood their apprehension, but to try to focus on knowing it has a happy ending (as much as real life stories actually accomplish that impossible goal.)

Here's the thing about my book; it has some seriously sad parts. You can't discuss child abuse without describing it, believe me - I tried. In the earliest drafts of Ezra and Hadassah: A Portrait of American Royalty, I minimized the bad stuff because I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to have to think about my past and I especially didn't want to revisit the terrible things that happened to my brother. Going through it once as a child was more than enough, thank you very much.  

Early readers of the manuscript kept telling me the writing was too superficial and lacked details. Dang it. I was going to have to go deeper and dig up the stinky past because without acknowledging it, the story didn't make sense. I gotta say, I don't recommend writing a book as a way to heal old wounds. I had already made my peace with the past and really did not want to go back.  As I started writing the bad stuff, I got sick. As in, one minute feeling fine, the next minute throwing up in the trash can as I mentally revisited old haunts. Maybe for some people that sounds like an amazing emotional cleanse but all I got was a serious headache and stomachache that lasted for days. Any repressed trauma there? I would say so. 

Today's audience wasn't the first to tell me they weren't sure they could complete the book. In the beginning, I was offended when readers came up to me and said, "I really loved your book, but I had to quit reading it." It was too sad/intense/horrifying for them to finish it. After some time to think about it, I completely understood why they had to stop. For myself, I don't watch horror movies, (sorry Steven King - no Children of the Corn for me) movies about war prisoners, or any graphic torture. I don't enjoy watching others suffer. It is not entertainment for me. Heck, I'm so squishy about scary stuff The Wizard of Oz still makes me want to flee. Those flying monkeys are just. not. right.

So today it was hard for me to read aloud the things my brother suffered and it was hard for people to listen to. After the class ended, a couple of students told me about the pain in their childhoods and I understood what they were saying. That is the value in acknowledging hard stuff. It isn't entertainment, it isn't going to make you laugh or forget your troubles. Instead, it is going to let you know you are not alone in your suffering and should remind you that having compassion for the person sitting next to you is the only way to live. 

Two Hours! How Do Teacher's Do it?

Yesterday I spoke to a college class.
Correction: Yesterday, I delivered a TWO hour lecture on the topic of foster care to a college class.
Today, I am wiped out and need a nap at 10am. I have no idea how teachers/performers/public speakers do this on a regular basis. It must involve muscles I've never heard of because I am unable to function today.

The class went great, the students were wonderful and I even have proof this time:

PICTURE TIME!

Funny story: Before class started, the teacher suggested I put my book blog site on the board. He had NO IDEA what he was asking. I can't write straight without lines! My letters go up, they go down, they have minds of their own. Been that way my whole life. It's probably genetic.  I had no choice but to pretend I could do this ridiculously impossible task. I was so focused on writing semi-straight, I misspelled hadassah (Hello, it's my name!) and had to correct that. Then a student said, "I think there is supposed to be an @ sign in there."
 Really?? I panicked, thinking, "First I don't know who to spell my own name and then I don't know my own website address? What is wrong with me and how am I going to talk for two hours?" I took the students word and changed the website address from ezraandhadassah.blogspot.com to ezraandhadassah@blogspot.com because I am an idiot and didn't think it through. The whole two hours of class, everyone stared at the wrong blog address on the board and now I am showing you. But Hey! Look at how semi-straight my messy handwriting is!
And really, white-board manufacturers,  - would it kill you to put faint permanent lines on the board as a guide so I can concentrate on what I am writing instead of how I am writing it?  Very, very mean on your part.  

 Of course,  I have to show the product. I  really ought to reconsider my career and become a sales host on QVC. 

It was a big class, right after lunch and the room was warm. I give all the students credit for not passing out while they sat and listened to me ramble on for TWO hours.

Forget about me, I am listening to a student talking. Look at the drink bottle. Do you see it behind the bottle? YESSSSS! 

Yes, I have to wear reading glasses while I read from my own book. What a betrayal. 

I have no idea what this is about. It really is anyone's guess. Feel free to invent your own caption for it. 

Questions! They asked questions! Real, live questions that I got to answer. I felt so loved. And relieved. Thank goodness for questions, they are the perfect ending to a two hour lecture.  

Crazy Hair and Other Important Things No One Tells You

All Signs Point That Way: One Family's Experience with Early Identification of Autism

Heather Young

Parent Advocate

September 16, 2014

 Tomorrow I am giving a presentation at the Univ. of Iowa about my granddaughter Eleanor and the process we went through to get her diagnosed with autism. My topic for tomorrow doesn't have a thing to do with my book, so why would I tell you about it on this book blog site? 

 Good question.

Here's the deali-o: I am doing quite a bit of public speaking this fall semester about my book. Tomorrow is a random topic that I agreed to speak about because the organizers knew I was comfortable with talking to groups and they asked me to do it. I said "Yes, of course!" because I am a big believer in education and making the world a better place.  The point of all this information is that I am getting a crash course in Things No One Tells You About Public Speaking and that is what I want to share today. See? Another fine example of me helping out the world, right here.

I read internet articles and books about public speaking. I did the homework on the hows and whys to make an awesome presentation. What no one said was this: 

Crazy hair
Lipstick

Water bottle

Reading glasses

Relax 

In specific: 

Even if you look marrrveelllooouuuusss in your bathroom mirror at home, bring a comb or brush because no matter how great the weather is, it is guaranteed a gust of wind is going to come along just as you are getting out of your car at the event and it is going to blow your beautifully coiffed head to smithereens.  Crazy hair. It happens. 

For my girlfriends, just like crazy hair, even if your make-up looks fab at home, by the time you get where you are going to speak, your lipstick will need a touch up. And when speaking, it is best to wear lipstick/makeup just so your face will be seen from the back of the room. That is why actors wear makeup, to make sure their facial features are seen. For my male friends, I have no idea how you overcome "blank face" at an event without wearing makeup. I guess that is why God gives you people bushier eyebrows, so you can be seen from far away. So not my problem. 

Water bottle. Take water with you. It is stunning how thirsty you get while you are waiting your turn to speak. Man, they aren't kidding when they say adrenaline causes dry mouth. Water. It does a body and parched mouth good. 

Reading glasses, if you need them. I use mine only when I read from my book, which irritates the h-e-double hockey sticks out me .Why-oh-why did I publish my book in such small print? Why is any book ever printed in anything other than large print? It is a conspiracy towards people over the age of 40. I thought I forgot my glasses the first time I spoke and I almost had a heart attack. How was I going to do a book reading without my reading glasses?!? Luckily, I found them in the backseat of the car where I put them when I was packing the car. I have no idea why I did that, but now my reading glasses ride first class in the front seat where they belong. 

More than one of the articles I read on public speaking gave tips about "pumping yourself up" and getting energized before you perform, like an athlete warms up before a game. 

I tried that the first time I spoke and it totally didn't work for me. I was already feeling frazzled and all it did was make me feel exhausted before I even started. 

I read an interview of the actor Bill Murray where he talked about how he prepares to perform*. He said,

 “Someone told me some secrets early on about living. You have to remind yourself that you can do the very best you can when you’re very, very relaxed. No matter what it is, no matter what your job is, the more relaxed you are, the better you are. That’s sort of why I got into acting. I realized that the more fun I had, the better I did it, and I thought, Well, that’s a job I can be proud of. I’d be proud to have that job, if I had to go to work and say, ‘No matter what my condition or what my mood is, no matter how I feel about what’s going on in my life, if I can relax myself and enjoy what I’m doing and have fun with it, then I can do my job really well.’ And it’s changed my life, learning that. And it’s made me better at what I do. I’m not the greatest or anything. But I really enjoy what I do.”

I tried the relaxation approach and found it works very well for me. I still get nervous right before I speak, but that it is a very different feeling than being all jacked-up and wild inside. Besides, if it's good enough for Bill Murray, it's good enough for me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Amended quote. The first few hours of this blog post, I had a quote from Bill that said basically the same thing, but not as well. I knew I read a fuller, more nuanced quote of his, but I couldn't remember where I read it. It took me all day, but I found the better quote and swapped it in.

 You are very welcome, I really am all about customer service and I'm thrilled you noticed.

National Day of Encouragement - Not Making Things Worse

"I'm not bitter, I'm just tired."

Last Friday I shared with you a letter my brother Rex wrote me. It was a sweet letter, accompanied by  handmade gift certificates good for massages from him. I told you that today, Sept. 12 would be National Day of Encouragement. I challenged you to think of things you could do to be encouraging to others. Lastly, I said that we'd meet back here today and share our thoughts/efforts on National Day of Encouragement.

I did my homework. I thought through a whole list of wonderful things I could do to show the people in my life how much I appreciate them. I came up with things like:

1. Writing encouraging notes and mailing them. Who doesn't love getting an actual, old-fashioned letter with cursive handwriting in it? That sounded right up my alley, being a writer and all. But then I started thinking about who I would write to. Since I was planning on telling you on this blog what I did to celebrate National Day of Encouragement, if I said I wrote cute notes in cards and you didn't get one, that would hurt your feelings. After all, aren't we friends? Would I only write cards to my old friends? What about my new friends? What about people who are more acquaintances but could easily be friends if only I had the time to socialize properly and got to know them? That's what I should do, I should plan a backyard party and invite people over for a cookout. That would be really fun and quite encouraging to everyone. But the grass needs to be mowed and the flower beds are deplorable. I couldn't have people over with the yard looking like a jungle. Not that I have high Martha Stewart standards for backyard cookouts, but I am pretty sure no one wants to be attacked by 6 ft. tall weeds, either.

2. I could make cookies to share. I had been meaning to make treats for my new neighbors that moved in this summer. I hadn't gotten around to it because honestly, I am doing good to cook meals and keep our kitchen to minimum health standards. Ok, maybe I wouldn't actually make cookies. My local Hy-Vee grocery store makes divine cookies in their bakery. I could buy cookies and put them on paper plates so no one would feel burdened to return a plate to me. I did buy cookies but they were eaten by me and my family. Hy-Vee cookies are pretty irresistible and besides, everyone in my neighborhood already gets cookies at the store anyway, so that isn't really very special, right? And what about everyone I know who are on sugar-free, dairy-free, wheat-free, cookie- free diets? I don't want to tempt them with cookie goodness. That 's not very encouraging at all.

3. I thought about my friends who are sick and who I should make soup for. I make amazing chicken soup with real homemade broth and free-range chickens from a local Amish family farm. I put in a secret ingredient (organic coconut milk, but don't tell anyone, ok?) that gives my soup a tinge of rich sweetness that can't be matched. I swear my soup has practically raised the near dead, it is that delicious and healthy. I would have made the soup, but then my family got the cold virus that has been sending people to the hospital. More importantly, I got the cold virus that has sending people to the hospital and I spent a good portion of the week thinking of nothing but how nice it would be to breathe through my nose again.

That is pretty much how my week went. That is also pretty much how every week goes in my life. I have lots of good intentions that never quite materialize into awesome good works. At first I felt bad, feeling like I let the memory of my brother down and that I didn't set a very good example to you of what National Day of Encouragement should be. But then I thought, "Dang girl! That is crazy talk! Everyday I serve my family (and trust me on this - we are high maintenance people), I help my clients through my work as a homeopathic practitioner (Heather is a what??? Go here healthoptions.cc to find out more about that) and in-between, I work really hard to not leave trails of meanness in my wake. That is all I can do. The world is just going to have to understand and accept that sometimes, it is enough to just not make things worse."

So... that is my message to you and me on this most auspicious National  Day of Encouragement. I encourage you to do what you can and to let go of what you can't.  If you can manage it, for one day, don't make things worse. If we had a day of the whole world not making things worse, that would result in everyone having a pretty great day and I can't think of anything more encouraging than that. My brother would love it, too.

Me and Half-Pint Rocked Cedar Rapids, IA Today

Melissa Gilbert, aka half-pint

 Not to sound all full of myself, but you must know what happened to me and half- pint (the nickname for  actress Melissa Gilbert from The Little House on The Prairie tv show.) I gave the first of 6(!) presentations this semester to a college class about Ezra and Hadassah: A Portrait of American Royalty. I spoke at Kirkwood Community College and at the same time across town, half-pint spoke about her new cookbook at the Cedar Rapids Public Library. We started our book tours on the same day, in the same town, at the same hour!

Now that is saying something, right?

My class went great and next week I have two more presentations. I don't know where half-pint is headed to on her tour. I wish her the very best with her cookbook. I am glad we shared space today. It made my first book talk presentation feel very glamorous and special.

Below is the full info on half-pints new endeavor. If she comes to your town, please go listen to her talk and enjoy her stories of growing up as a child actress on the set of The Little House On The Prairie. And if haven't seen the show, let me know. We have all the seasons of it on DVD and  I am happy to help your half-pint education.

"When a Hollywood actress writes a book, you might expect the book tour to start in Los Angeles, New York City or even Chicago.

But Melissa Gilbert, star of the beloved television series “Little House on the Prairie,” chose Eastern Iowa to kick off the tour for her cookbook “My Prairie Cookbook: Memories and Frontier Food from My Little House to Yours” (Stewart, Tabori & Chang, September 2014).

“Typically we contact publishers for book readings, but Gilbert’s publisher contacted us asking if we would be interested in having Melissa come here,” said Kathleen Johnson, events coordinator at Prairie Lights in Iowa City.

The release of the cookbook is timed to celebrate the 40th anniversary of the series.

“We decided to tour where the book lived in people’s hearts the most,” said Gilbert. “The books and the show were set in the Midwest, and it has that wonderful Midwestern sensibility.”

Gilbert will appear in Cedar Rapids at 2 p.m. and Iowa City at 7 p.m. Tuesday."

Read more at http://thegazette.com/subject/life/events/little-house-laura-x2014-melissa-gilbert-x2014-in-eastern-iowa-with-new-cookbook-20140911#BHbvk5GGpxrkHEm4.99

National Day of Appreciation is Coming Up

Rex wrote the letter above and the accompanying index cards to show me his appreciation for my "being  nice, kind, helpful to others."

I love that his letter includes two samples of his gift to me (which are being offered at no cost to me)  and then he wrote out three cards. Shhh....I got an extra massage certificate at  no cost to me! The truth is, I didn't cash in any of these cards. He was in too much pain at the time and then passed away a short 5 weeks later. I keep them to remind me that even the last days of his life, my brother took notice of my efforts and acknowledged them.

Sept. 12th has been deemed National Day of Encouragement. If my brother had been alive when this was created, he would have been all over it. He sought every opportunity to lift people up and his letter is a perfect example of how he lived his life. I am writing this post on Friday, September 5th to give us all one week to think about how we can be encouraging to others. Before you pooh-pooh this idea, you must know a bit about how this official day came about.

" In June 2007, a group of high school students in Arkansas were presented a challenge. At the National Leadership Forum being held that year, they were asked to create an idea that would make the world better. They concluded that most problems, such as drugs and alcohol, start with discouragement. This led them to the idea of having a day dedicated to encouraging one another. Then President George W. Bush signed the declaration, making September 12 the official “National Day of Encouragement.”

It seems fitting this day follows the anniversary of the 9-11 World Twin Towers destruction. My brother's idea for encouragement was to give me my favorite thing ever, massages. What can you do to show the people in your life that they are appreciated? You have a week to think about it and make a plan. Let's meet back here next Friday and share our efforts. My brother would love to know what you did to celebrate National Day of Encouragement.