Happy 81st Year Day

Today is my father's 81st birthday. Because he and my mother are devout Jehovah's Witnesses, they don't celebrate birthdays. Ralph  reminds me every year when his birthday is coming, so I can be prepared. My job is to get chocolate cake (his favorite) and ice cream for everyone in their nursing home to enjoy after their supper. Just for fun, not for Ralph in particular. 
NOTICE: WE ARE NOT celebrating my dad's birthday. I am just being generous with his favorite treat. It could happen on any day of the year. (I hope this disclaimer covers me with the Jehovah's Witness Big Guy upstairs. I am not sure what the official procedure is regarding birthdays, but I want to make sure Ralph is in the clear with his God.) 

Ralph in all his 81st year glory.

Cake and ice cream for all!

If you asked him, Ralph would be the first to tell you that he has outlived both his parents ages when they passed, and that he is sort of surprised he made it this long. Not that he is afraid of dying, he isn't. As a religious man, he is comforted by his faith traditions and that is a gift when you live in a place where people slip quietly away, never to return to the dining hall again.

 If Ralph had his way he would be behind the wheel of a RV, living the life of an American wanderer. He isn't so much a tourist, as a visitor. He likes to try new places on for size, moving on when things get boring or annoying. I can relate, I inherited his itch for new sights and sounds. Nothing soothes my soul like a good day trip to see something interesting.

 It is hard for Ralph to be landlocked, without wheels to take him to freedom. The least I could do is bring him cake and ice cream on his most important 81st year day.

Adoption is a Trauma

                     

My brother Rex, with our birth parents, Ralph and Claudia, and Ralph's mother. 

I had a phone call from a woman who recently read Ezra and Hadassah: A Portrait of American Royalty. She wanted me to know she sat down to read it and didn't stop until she was done, 8 hours later. Besides complimenting my writing style, she told me she was an adoptive parent of two adult children, and that after years of struggle, she has come to the conclusion that adoption is a trauma.

 When she and her husband adopted their children years ago, there was no acknowledgement of the possibility that adoption could have long-term repercussions on a child, especially days old infants like their son and daughter. 

Mainstream science is just now beginning to acknowledge the impact of early childhood poverty, abuse and neglect on the physical health of adults. How stress hormones affect a pregnant woman who is contemplating adoption, while simultaneously growing a baby within herself, should be the next topic of scientific study. Along with maternal grief, fear and anxiety, it doesn't seem illogical to assume the central nervous system of the developing fetus would also be affected.

The caller told me that if she had known when she was handed her babies in the 1980's, that there could be long-term physical and emotional effects of adoption for her children, she would have sought out advice and assistance that could have helped with their healing. Her biggest sorrow in life is witnessing the struggles her adult children continue to have, recognizing they come from deep places involving genetics and feelings of loss that have nothing to do with her relationship to them.

Not every child feels so deeply the pain of separation from their mother of origin. Every human has their own unique way of absorbing stress. Just because there isn't overt pain for one child, does not mean that every child who experiences adoption should also emerge unscathed. Instead of assuming that adoption trauma is rare, adults should assume just the opposite. Healthy maturation without support, is what is rare.

 Acknowledging that adoption is a negative activity that results from the dissolution of the primal relationship of an infant to its parents, does not negate the healing power of second parenting. Adoption is not an either/or activity. Instead, the truth of adoption is that it is an action of also. I love my birth parents, and I ALSO love the other people in my life who love me.

The historical (and still common attitude) that adoption is the mere transfer of legal ownership, is to dismiss the reality of connection between all parents and their children.